I WANT TO

– have money to finish my schooling

– be loved and cared for

– be able to sit down and draw what I’m feeling

-not have to worry/stress

– move before 2014

– be myself

– be happy

– have a back rub

– have the knots in my shoulders gone

– ride my bike around town without feeling like my heart is gonna jump out

– be healthy

– do my stress test and not have them stop because I can’t do it anymore

– be rid of the anxiety

– come home/wake up and the dishes are done, laundry hung/folded, bedroom cleaned.

Getting Better & July List

      I have been away for awhile. Lets start with the meds. I’ve been taking them, but cut it in half. They made me way to tired. I could barely keep my eyes open. My weight has slowly gone up. I have an appetite again. Yeah 🙂 i am staying positive and hooping it all gets better.

         I am starting to crochet again. Finally motivated to make some creations. I’ve also started to draw more. Trying new medias. Is that the right term/word? By the end of the month I want to have at least 5 new items up for sale in tbe Etsy shop.

        I have been cooking more as well. Trying new recipes out. I’m loving it!! Baking cookies non stop it seems. Getting into baking healthy cookies. 🙂

        So… i went to high school, then I did homeschool. I never finished homeschool. I recently contacted them and said I want to finish. I need 6 1/2 credits left to get my diploma. Making it a goal to finish it by the end of the year. :):)

JULY GOALS

— 5 New items up in the shop
— Catch up on my penpal letters
— start my homeschooling
— start working.out everyday again

— Go out on the town with a friend
— Make a lunch pkan for August
— Get as many hours of work as I can
— Take my medicine and multi vitamins

I would love to know what everyone has been getting done in July. How are your goals? If you’re taking meds, how is it going? Comment below about it or comment with a link to your blog post about these questions.

UNTIL NEXT TIME.
         

Watch “I’m Making A Book!” on YouTube

Help her reach her new goal of 5,000. She is amazing. 🙂

So Far So Good

      I have been taking my medicine and the only draw back would be I’m tired. I have been working and being more active so that could be it as well. I have to wait and see. :/ Been doing great at work! 🙂

      I even met a guy and his kids from Seattle. The guy said they are down visiting his wife’s family. He gave me some information and his email. I gave him my email and phone, he said he’ll send some more info and if he comes across any places for rent or hire. 🙂 I’m so excited. Now the big step will be to get all the money we need. Still struggling in that department. 😦 Hopefully I can sell some stuff and get more hours at work, maybe a new job.

        The future is looking better, brighter. Tomorrow I want to get stuff done. I need to crochet new things. Just renewed a lot of items in the Etsy shop.

Check it out, let me know what you think. Like or want anything? We accept PayPal
MunsterNCookie@live.com

MunsterNCookie

Thanks for reading. Until next time. 🙂

Day 1 of Medicine

Last night i took my pill at bedtime. I got tired, which is good. I usually don’t sleep till about 2-4. I’ll lay there and close my eyes pretending to sleep. I do fall asleep sometimes before 12. So anyways, today i woke up and there was some anxiety. But i did clothes and made something to eat for Munster and I and coffee for him. I got ready for work. Work was okay. Very busy now cause of the back to school sale and store wide clearance. But so far so good. My doctor said it’ll take up to a week. Hopefully it kicks in way sooner. 🙂

Oh this morning i woke up and first thing i did was donate to Goldenjellybeans kickstarter.
Which you should too! 🙂

Still trying to crochet stuff, but i haven’t the motivation to. 😦

Thanks for reading. Ill keep you posted.

Yesterday and Today

   Yesterday I had a pretty good day. I ate breakfast and chilled out. I was smiling and happy. Even went to work and I did my hair and makeup 🙂 

  Last night before bed sucked but I made it through. This morning I woke up with anxiety and Ihad a doc appointment at 10:15. Well my morning wasn’t to good. I ended up feeling like shit. I got to my appointment at 10:47, very late. I talked to my doctor and she prescribed a pill. Hopefully it will work and will help me gain weight since i lost 6 pounds from all of this. 😦

    I received an email from an apartment up in Tacoma,Wa. I called them took down info and numbers. Now i need to figure how to get to those numbers. Seattle was the finale destination, but Tacoma has a Toys R Us/Babies R Us. Its only 15 mins out of Seattle so we can still go. The apartment looked awesome. I only got to see it through pics but still looked nice.

If anyone want to buy any of my crochet items or want it but in another colour please let me know. I have a PayPal so we can do payment through there.

PAYPAL – MunsterNCookie@live.com

ETSY – MunsterNCookie.etsy.com

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Thank you for reading. Until next time. 🙂

I feel it Starting Again

So, yesterday was an awful day. I couldn’t get out of bed and had no appetite. Was struggling with myself all day. This morning I wake up and I’m filled with anxiety. I’ve worked so hard to overcome goraphobia and social anxiety. But I feel it starting again. My head is filled with all those thoughts and my body is shaking. I want to take Munster to the library to see a magic show, but i don’t know if I can make it.

I don’t have an appetite again today. I feel sick and i want to throw up since this morning. I don’t want to be like this. I want to be normal. Well as normal as I ever was 🙂 hehe. I will try and take Munster to the library and hopefully i can stay 1+ hours so he can see the show and check out some books.

I remember going to the doctor and just being told more pills more pills! They made me sick, drunk like and slipping in and out of consciousness. Therapist did nothing for me my whole life.

I just want to be BETTER.
I just want to be NORMAL.
I want to HAPPY.
I want to feel SANE.
I want to FREE.
Most of all I want to be MYSELF.

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How i feel

Fighting my Demon

He has no eyes, but can see everything.
Has claws to scratch at my flesh.
Sharp teeth to eat the good thoughts away.
He lurks in the back of my mind.
He tells me I’m not good enough.
Can’t eat till everything is done.
Takes my strength, my will to live.
‘Kill yourself’ he says.
‘It’ll make everything better.
Won’t be tired, stressed, hngry or bother to anyone.’
The blackness that is his mouth sucks all the engery in and spits out negativity.
I’m his, all his.
I’m not alone at all cause i have him with me always.
I’m not good enough for anyone but him.
My body is thin and bones, no meat.
My face is oily, dirty and grossly tanned just like my arms.
God or whatever can’t save my life from him, I must continue to struggle and fight him.
Even if it kills me…

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Do you ever?

Do you ever just want to give up? Ill let you in on a secret… i do all the time. I want to stop going to work, why? Well what do i have to show for it other then being tan fron riding my bike to and from. Getting pissed off and stressed. I do love working in a toy store but there are down sides. Being a single parent. I wish i had help. His dad does but i do everything, i pay the allowance, get his stuff for school, get him up and ready. To and from school. Go to the meetings, help out at there, take him for bike rides cook and take care of him when I’m sick. I take him to the library so he can see magic show and get books. I want a day of rest. I do the dishes clean and wash clothes… i feel no one helps out. Then the big one… i feel like giving up on life! Why may i feel like this? I have no one. I don’t have a spouse, i don’t have friends, they all disappeared somewhere. My family doesn’t even really talk to me. I have no contact with my little sisters and hardly my dad. I dont feel wanted, i don’t feel loved by anyone. Stress over comes me and i get sick. 😦 I hate being sick cause it takes a while to get better cause i don’t rest. When i rest i get told mean things or people think I’m lazy. I’ve being trying to contact places in Seattle but a lot just brush me off when i say I’m in Arizona. Doing all this alone. Trying to get a job there, trying to move my son and i there myself.. i don’t know who to ask for help. There one person i do ask evey once and awhile but he just gives me shit about it…

I really want to move to San Francisco or somewhere in Oregon. That’s another thing. No one every wants to hear what i want, when i do say what i want they shoot it down or give me crap. I never say what i want anymore cause i feel nothing will come of it or ill get yell at. There are things i need to take care of and they stress me out. I have to go to the heart doctor and do their test. I have a heart problem, which BTW no one could tell you what’s wrong cause they don’t really care to listen to me. Lately I’ve felt wrose. I’ve almost blacked out so many times these past week. I’ve hardly eaten anything cause there’s this voice that say i have to finish everything before i eat or i can’t! So i have to clean, cook, dishes, clothes, work, take care of everyone then i can relax and eat something. I’ve hardly drank water as well. So i think that’s making me sick too..

I also don’t feel attractive. But that’s a whole other story. I want to be confident again but i can’t find it. I can’t find myself, my mind, my peace. I have so many issues to work out and no one to help.or talk to without being judged.

This is me putting myself out there. I know I’m not the only one but it fuckin feels like I’m alone.  I just want to be happy for my son and for myself. I want to feel wanted and love. I know being someone’s girlfriend shouldn’t be the solution but there’s a person who i just want to love me for me. And not look at me wish i was someone else and then go be with someone else cause they made me the way i am…

thank you for reading and hopefully you don’t judge cause I’m putting some of myself out there.

Today i came across a quote

I came across a quote today.

‘Words are knives, feelings are bombs’

I don’t know who said that, but it fits so perfectly.  Everyone says words. They use them to teach, talk, hurt and entertain. We must really watch what we say and to whom. Now a days words are used to mostly hurt and bully. So much are words used to deceive. Look at the news. Politics use words to gain votes and most are lies. We buy into them cause they use the right words! You fall in love, or buy a product you don’t need cause… of the right words.

Feelings! Oh, lord i hate feelings. Feelings make or brake everything. You want to buy something and they say all the right words, but does those words get you feeling like you need it? You fall in love and you heart is overcome with new exciting feelings. You see your child for the first time or get a promotion, you FEEL excited, joyful, happy. When you are hurt you feelings betray you. That’s when it feels like a bomb. Everything comes crashing down and every feeling you ever experienced,or new, comes all at once. You cry, get angery, your feelings become dangerous. Some peoples feeling lead to really bad things. Violent outcomes. Others bottle it up until they explode or, they try and take their life.

Words and feelings go hand and hand. We all must respect what words do and how people feel.