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Do you ever?

Do you ever just want to give up? Ill let you in on a secret… i do all the time. I want to stop going to work, why? Well what do i have to show for it other then being tan fron riding my bike to and from. Getting pissed off and stressed. I do love working in a toy store but there are down sides. Being a single parent. I wish i had help. His dad does but i do everything, i pay the allowance, get his stuff for school, get him up and ready. To and from school. Go to the meetings, help out at there, take him for bike rides cook and take care of him when I’m sick. I take him to the library so he can see magic show and get books. I want a day of rest. I do the dishes clean and wash clothes… i feel no one helps out. Then the big one… i feel like giving up on life! Why may i feel like this? I have no one. I don’t have a spouse, i don’t have friends, they all disappeared somewhere. My family doesn’t even really talk to me. I have no contact with my little sisters and hardly my dad. I dont feel wanted, i don’t feel loved by anyone. Stress over comes me and i get sick. 😦 I hate being sick cause it takes a while to get better cause i don’t rest. When i rest i get told mean things or people think I’m lazy. I’ve being trying to contact places in Seattle but a lot just brush me off when i say I’m in Arizona. Doing all this alone. Trying to get a job there, trying to move my son and i there myself.. i don’t know who to ask for help. There one person i do ask evey once and awhile but he just gives me shit about it…

I really want to move to San Francisco or somewhere in Oregon. That’s another thing. No one every wants to hear what i want, when i do say what i want they shoot it down or give me crap. I never say what i want anymore cause i feel nothing will come of it or ill get yell at. There are things i need to take care of and they stress me out. I have to go to the heart doctor and do their test. I have a heart problem, which BTW no one could tell you what’s wrong cause they don’t really care to listen to me. Lately I’ve felt wrose. I’ve almost blacked out so many times these past week. I’ve hardly eaten anything cause there’s this voice that say i have to finish everything before i eat or i can’t! So i have to clean, cook, dishes, clothes, work, take care of everyone then i can relax and eat something. I’ve hardly drank water as well. So i think that’s making me sick too..

I also don’t feel attractive. But that’s a whole other story. I want to be confident again but i can’t find it. I can’t find myself, my mind, my peace. I have so many issues to work out and no one to help.or talk to without being judged.

This is me putting myself out there. I know I’m not the only one but it fuckin feels like I’m alone.  I just want to be happy for my son and for myself. I want to feel wanted and love. I know being someone’s girlfriend shouldn’t be the solution but there’s a person who i just want to love me for me. And not look at me wish i was someone else and then go be with someone else cause they made me the way i am…

thank you for reading and hopefully you don’t judge cause I’m putting some of myself out there.

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