Moving to Portland and Other Stuff.

           Okay, so I’ve decided that Portland, Oregon is the place for me. I can transfer work there and it seems a perfect fit for me and especially my son. šŸ™‚ I can’t wait to move there. I haven’t visited so I’m kinda going in blind.

           So let’s see. I bought a skirt at the goodwill and its cute as heck. I had a week off of work cause I had a slight breakdown and then I had an episode of vertigo. Went to the hospital and got some pills if it happens again. My knee got twisted about a month ago and now I have a brace on it. For the next 2 weeks I have to take 2 naproxen and the ice my knee at night. I have to go get an x-ray to make sure there’s no fracture.

My stress levels have been up and cause panic attacks like crazy. I’ll be sitting there and just be overcome by anxiety. I’ve been taking a pill for that lately since walking and riding my bike is a no for day to day.

Now coming up with the money to move has been the biggest stress factor this month. I’m having yard sales and crocheting, but still not any luck with it.

Well, I need to clean and also crochet some little girl bags to sell. Hopefully I can sell enough or come into some money somehow to move.

Anyone have any moving or selling tips for me it would be much appreciated.

Until next time.

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10:50 PM Nov. 10,2013

I’m sitting here in the break room and I’m having a slight panic attack. Why? The whole way to work this was happening. My legs are shaking and I feel like crying. This past Fri i wanted to cry the whole 8 hours I was here. We are locked in and we can’t go anywhere. Usually when I feel like this I go outside and breath some freah air. I just sit and let the sun, wind or whatever on my skin. I have my music and lets hope that it makes it go away. Cause I’m locked in till 7:30 AM.

Day 1 of Medicine

Last night i took my pill at bedtime. I got tired, which is good. I usually don’t sleep till about 2-4. I’ll lay there and close my eyes pretending to sleep. I do fall asleep sometimes before 12. So anyways, today i woke up and there was some anxiety. But i did clothes and made something to eat for Munster and I and coffee for him. I got ready for work. Work was okay. Very busy now cause of the back to school sale and store wide clearance. But so far so good. My doctor said it’ll take up to a week. Hopefully it kicks in way sooner. šŸ™‚

Oh this morning i woke up and first thing i did was donate to Goldenjellybeans kickstarter.
Which you should too! šŸ™‚

Still trying to crochet stuff, but i haven’t the motivation to. šŸ˜¦

Thanks for reading. Ill keep you posted.

I feel it Starting Again

So, yesterday was an awful day. I couldn’t get out of bed and had no appetite. Was struggling with myself all day. This morning I wake up and I’m filled with anxiety. I’ve worked so hard to overcome goraphobia and social anxiety. But I feel it starting again. My head is filled with all those thoughts and my body is shaking. I want to take Munster to the library to see a magic show, but i don’t know if I can make it.

I don’t have an appetite again today. I feel sick and i want to throw up since this morning. I don’t want to be like this. I want to be normal. Well as normal as I ever was šŸ™‚ hehe. I will try and take Munster to the library and hopefully i can stay 1+ hours so he can see the show and check out some books.

I remember going to the doctor and just being told more pills more pills! They made me sick, drunk like and slipping in and out of consciousness. Therapist did nothing for me my whole life.

I just want to be BETTER.
I just want to be NORMAL.
I want to HAPPY.
I want to feel SANE.
I want to FREE.
Most of all I want to be MYSELF.

image

How i feel

Change

Change is hard for me. Every time something new happened it was huge and depressing(my patents divorce,death,people moving away,etc..). But there have been great changed(my son’s birth, weddings, new friends, etc..)

But what is it that makes me so nervous and filled with anxiety? I have. Battled anxiety for 6 1/2 years. I’m doing great now. It started small then it hit like a storm. I couldn’t leave the house and the door way was scary. I did end up having a breakthrough when I went on a trip to San Diego. It hadn’t lefted yet..

Then my mother passed away and IĀ  really had a hard time. The last thing she was saying to me was “face your fears. You need to get out . I’m not gonna be here forever.” Didn’t think that it ment latter that night. But I am now living on my own. I’ve had a job for 3 years and I’ve done so much. I have conquered most but not all. One day ill be able to say goodbye to all these fears and just lock them away.

The song “Bang Bang You’re Dead” by Dirty Pretty Things reminds me of this goal. Cause one day I can say that to anxiety!